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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most