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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.