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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Livid.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen