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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
