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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Ugh
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
is this meant to deter me
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
#math
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!