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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I’m giving up ice.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.