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Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
it be like that
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.