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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
That’s commitment
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do