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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Just grow your own
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now