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[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.