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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Growing out my freckles.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.