You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.