You Might Also Like
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Twitter fine art
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat