You Might Also Like
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.