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These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.