You Might Also Like
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
How to draw a duck
