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dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.