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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos