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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
when dads have a rap battle
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.