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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My dog learned how to text
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.