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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
my nickname in college
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts