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horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her