You Might Also Like
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
As per my previous tablet…
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
fly smarter, not harder
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!