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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Can confirm.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .