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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??