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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.