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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.