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i wish i could marry a nap
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad