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This could be us but you eatin’
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
They got Raph!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice