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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
SQUARREL
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?