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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
