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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Software Development ⛵️
I love it
Happy Friday
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.