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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
They’re called werewolves.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.