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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
my one true gender
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.