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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Banana is the quietest snack
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.