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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
i want it utterly assaulted.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right