Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”