Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.