8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene