Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.