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god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
💯😂
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs