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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My new favorite headline
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee