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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater