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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Breakfast in bed.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir