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[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.