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Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.