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Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I hope this email finds you in a well
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.