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In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.