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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that