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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.