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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
There is no try. There is only give up.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
never forget
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.