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Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
We’ve all been there…
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]