You Might Also Like
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.