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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
mumsnet is amazing
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.