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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.