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Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Left at a local drug store…
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Seems legit.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum