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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually