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need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
some Old Testament wisdom
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.