My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover