83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
