83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
What personal space?
My dog
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.