Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.