83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
me when I see my crush
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Another day, another…goddammit
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
What is going on? 😅
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it