83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
first you must answer his riddles
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS