@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

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@TuSoonShakur

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

@sammyrhodes

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@SteveSuckington

[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@danadonly

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.