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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”