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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
become ungovernable
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it