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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
rest in peas
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?