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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
You’re not my real can
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod