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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.