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women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Natty or not?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”