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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
😎 🍻
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight